The pressure we sometimes feel — from others or ourselves — to be or to act in a certain way can in itself make us unhappy or anxious. The cartoon * does a good job of illustrating something that many of us experience at some point or another in our lives. The man in the cartoon feels overwhelmed. He makes a valiant attempt to choose a tea, perhaps to calm himself or to achieve some small amount peace; however, the woman behind the counter seems a little ill equipped to help him on his path.
The tea shop customer is reaching out in the midst of his anxiety, out of an instinct to connect with another human; this instinct is a major key to his to feeling better. We try this initially with our earliest caregivers (reaching for a parent’s leg when scared, for example); this urge is a fundamental component of mammal behavior (1).
Being where we actually are, emotionally, is sometimes not peaceful, ecstatic, or serene; but with the help of an attuned ,compassionate witness we can begin to be and to notice ourselves in new and different emotional states. Growing to accept our feelings in the presence of a caring other can bring a new sense of groundedness (2). This type of caring may be amplified and focused in a therapeutic relationship with a healing professional, but it can also happen at any time in everyday life. When you have had really good conversation with a friend for example. We can observe this in other social species, such as dogs and polar bears (3). What happens in our whole system during social engagement is phenomenal (4). The literature is overflowing with evidence for the “talking cure”, but it might be more accurate to call it the “relating cure.”
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Footnotes:
*Copyright 2009 by Shannon Wheeler. Used by permission
1) S. Porges
2) A.Shore
3) Healing Power of Play (my first post)
4) S.Stanley
* Editorial support from Erik Rader
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