Recently a client practically begged me to see a family member, to make an exception. But for a variety of reasons this can’t happen:  dual relationships, ethical issues for clinical social workers’ code of ethics, etc. This client noted how hard it is to tell whether a therapist is good, a sad but true fact.  So I make referrals and when they work out it is good, but more than one referral has fallen flat, I feel for the clinician who I thought highly of and still do, and for the person seeking a therapy who is still without help.

The good fit doesn’t always happen in my office either. But when it does, and luckily it happens often, clients think it is my technique and skills, a combination of an Object Relations and Attachment theoretical framework and Somatic Transformation, a body centered relational somatic approach, which makes the work successful. Some of that’s true, but we came together, with unique circumstances, our own internal worlds and virtually intangible yet felt senses that we might work well together.

A friend told me she chose her therapist because on their first meeting the therapist had a torn stocking; she said she felt sure this woman was not perfect, so she trusted her. Another person might have not noticed, or noticed and found the stocking run “proof” of some flaw that made the therapist useless to them.

Though, early on I wished I could treat and help everyone, practice has cured that in me. I am not always a fit for everyone and fit is idiosyncratic at best.  What has evolved between me and my clients when it works seems almost miraculous. People have experienced shifts in being and self knowledge, and changes in orientation towards self and others and maybe above all feel grounded in themselves.  With this deepening experience, I can understand why they want just me for their families; after all it was with me they made this change for themselves. I am flattered but not under any illusion. That I can be helpful and therapeutic for my clients is what I hope for and feel confident about.

Clients have said that there should be biometric scientific means to measure the effectiveness of a therapist and of course many researchers have thought about that too. The fact is we only “think” we know how good a therapist is. Someone recently made the point that therapist reviews are useless (like yelp or diggit), because the criteria are so subjective. This point I disagree with somewhat, because a satisfied client is one who feels heard, felt and respected, which is the foundation of any therapeutic change.

I want to practice with integrity and love and to create safe empowering places for people to create change for themselves. I feel grateful that I have been blessed so far to be able to do that. I know I share this intention with many fellow clinicians and am proud of the circle of commitment I share with them.

In warmth and respect I thank you for your time, it takes work to read something. I look forward to serving for many years to come and growing this voice, evolving roles and my practice.

I wish you blessings and good things in your life.

Humbly,

Meira

Jill Bolte Taylor brain scientist and stroke survivor describes her stroke of her left side , she gets a very inside look at what it is our right brain does.

Aimee Mullins by David Shankbone, at Tribeca Film Festival 2008 as displayed on Wikipedia.org

In this TED talk , by Aimee Mullins, she questions what the definition of disability does to us, as individuals, and society, looking through the lens of her own life.

“Over coming adversity,” she says is something she is always asked to talk about, but she says it never felt right. She suggests that it’s not the getting past, but learning to “dance” with adversity that  has allowed her to be who she is.

Aimee Mullins, along with inspiring,  provides a wonderful opportunity for us to think about how we define health/sickness, or wholeness/brokenness, and so on, and how those definitions impact ourselves and others.

I would love your comments on this post.

The pressure we sometimes feel — from others or ourselves — to be or to act in a certain way can in itself make us unhappy or anxious. The cartoon * does a good job of illustrating something that many of us experience at some point or another in our lives.  The man in the cartoon feels overwhelmed. He makes a valiant attempt to choose a tea, perhaps to calm himself or to achieve some small amount peace; however, the woman behind the counter seems a little ill equipped to help him on his path.

The tea shop customer is reaching out in the midst of his anxiety, out of an instinct to connect with another human; this instinct is a major key to his to feeling better. We try this initially with our earliest caregivers (reaching for a parent’s leg when scared, for example); this urge is a fundamental component of mammal behavior (1).

Being where we actually are, emotionally, is sometimes not peaceful, ecstatic, or serene; but with the help of an attuned ,compassionate witness we can begin to be and to notice ourselves in new and different emotional states. Growing to accept our feelings in the presence of a caring other can bring a new sense of groundedness  (2). This type of caring may be amplified and focused in a therapeutic relationship with a healing professional, but it can also happen at any time in everyday life. When you have had really good conversation with a friend for example. We can observe this in other social species, such as dogs and polar bears (3). What happens in our whole system during social engagement is phenomenal (4). The literature is overflowing with evidence for the “talking cure”, but it might be more accurate to call it the “relating cure.”
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Footnotes:
*Copyright 2009 by Shannon Wheeler. Used by permission

1) S. Porges

2) A.Shore

3) Healing Power of Play (my first post)

4) S.Stanley

* Editorial support from Erik Rader

We know, and so do the animals, that the bears could do the dogs some harm. Why don’t they? Somatic Transformation innovator and master, Sharon Stanley, reminded us in a recent training that the beauty of play is it allows us to venture into vulnerable territory while maintaining a mutual understood relatedness.

The “joker” in school (or at home) knows it. Think of the comedians who have helped the country deal with issues of race and so many other issues  that otherwise seemed intractable were it not for an opening provided by humor. When the element of play is introduced we often can tolerate emotional states that usually would seem too dangerous. Play builds a safety that might not other wise exist by allowing the players to stay in relationship.

So the play we do is often our way of staying emotionally involved with one another in spite of anxiety or nerves, it’s a way we care for ourselves and others and have fun. There is a fine line though because jokes can often be veiled cruelty but that feels very different. What happens when you remember feeling the different kinds of play,when you felt play got you through something, or a time when a joke was cruel? Notice how both of those thoughts might feel different.

Forgive the creative spelling and grammar, those were never my skills set , but I love what I do and so I want to share ideas as they come, so bare with me.