I want to stress as well that different attachment styles develop in a complex set of relationships and history, we know now that a few threats to healthy attachment are; a mismatch of temperaments with parent and baby, or separation’s of attachment figure and child for a period of time, traumas to parent and or child ,abuse, or neglect. These are risk factors but not not guarantees of poor outcomes. The more that we all know collectively and the more attuned we are the more we can support and mitigate these risk factors,and the healthier and more secure all children , and eventually adults, can be.

One of the most loving things a parent that senses a problem with their child can do is to seek out therapy for themselves. Often when we learn about our own attachment styles and work toward health, the more we can attune to our kids , and then much repair and healing can develop. This is one of the reasons why I love to work with parents.

*Attachment theory was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby
since then a huge body of research has been developed and one statistic I heard recently is that Attachment Theory is currently the most researched and written about topic in the field of Psychology /Clinical Social Work.

You refer to “a connection that is based on more than one meeting , that has trust , history and security and at least great caring ,if not love.”

I think that one reason that romantic relationships break down (or can be so powerful when they succeed) is that we crave a healthy attachment with our mate not just through our “history” with them, retroactively to the beginning of our own uhrhistory, whether we remember it or not.

I was in the pharmacy yesterday, where I stood in line. There were two women being served by different pharmacists at the counter, several more people behind them, and then me. Among the others was a little girl of about 2 1/2 with her back to the women, her face in my direction, and she was crying in that abandoned way that only the littlest kids can do in public. I couldn’t tell which was her mother, but assumed she was one of the two women at the counter. (Both women and also the little girl were the same shade of the same race.) Obviously, she was not alone, but she wasn’t feeling well, her mother was trying to finish up her transaction so that they could leave, and probably was overwhelmed enough to not try multi-tasking filling the prescription with comforting the toddler. So I smiled at the little girl. An “I know your mom’s here, but she’s busy for just another couple of minutes but I’m in line behind you and I would be very happy to smile at someone who’s sad whil I wait/she waits” kind of smile. The little girl looked at me suspiciously, lest I try to comfort her without a proper introduction, and inched over to the woman who was (now) obviously her mother, sidled up to her, and wrapped her arm around her mother’s legs. She continued to look at me suspiciously, but now with a little curiosity. She wasn’t crying anymore. A few seconds later, and her mother completed her transaction, and the two went past me, and there was much more curiosity in the little girls sharp look than suspicion. I think it’s so interesting that this little girl was asking for attention from her mother in a “negative” way, and not getting it, at least temporarily. The “threat” I posed for her catalized her initiative to take positive action, approaching her mom herself, and once she was right next to her mother, she no longer tried to effect the contact via crying. I did not comfort this little girl – no way Jose, she has very strong boundaries – but she ended up finding comfort because I related to her. I think she must have a very healthy attachment to her mother!

Maybe there is an “attachment cure” too!