The pressure we sometimes feel — from others or ourselves — to be or to act in a certain way can in itself make us unhappy or anxious. The cartoon * does a good job of illustrating something that many of us experience at some point or another in our lives. The man in the cartoon feels overwhelmed. He makes a valiant attempt to choose a tea, perhaps to calm himself or to achieve some small amount peace; however, the woman behind the counter seems a little ill equipped to help him on his path.
The tea shop customer is reaching out in the midst of his anxiety, out of an instinct to connect with another human; this instinct is a major key to his to feeling better. We try this initially with our earliest caregivers (reaching for a parent’s leg when scared, for example); this urge is a fundamental component of mammal behavior (1).
Being where we actually are, emotionally, is sometimes not peaceful, ecstatic, or serene; but with the help of an attuned ,compassionate witness we can begin to be and to notice ourselves in new and different emotional states. Growing to accept our feelings in the presence of a caring other can bring a new sense of groundedness (2). This type of caring may be amplified and focused in a therapeutic relationship with a healing professional, but it can also happen at any time in everyday life. When you have had really good conversation with a friend for example. We can observe this in other social species, such as dogs and polar bears (3). What happens in our whole system during social engagement is phenomenal (4). The literature is overflowing with evidence for the “talking cure”, but it might be more accurate to call it the “relating cure.”
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Footnotes:
*Copyright 2009 by Shannon Wheeler. Used by permission
1) S. Porges
2) A.Shore
3) Healing Power of Play (my first post)
4) S.Stanley
* Editorial support from Erik Rader
The “relating cure.” Great phrase! Reaching for the parents leg is much more relating than talking. And how awful we feel when we talk (or shout, or cry, or whatever) and the “other” does not relate to us. Definitely the relating cure!
I was in the pharmacy yesterday, where I stood in line. There were two women being served by different pharmacists at the counter, several more people behind them, and then me. Among the others was a little girl of about 2 1/2 with her back to the women, her face in my direction, and she was crying in that abandoned way that only the littlest kids can do in public. I couldn’t tell which was her mother, but assumed she was one of the two women at the counter. (Both women and also the little girl were the same shade of the same race.) Obviously, she was not alone, but she wasn’t feeling well, her mother was trying to finish up her transaction so that they could leave, and probably was overwhelmed enough to not try multi-tasking filling the prescription with comforting the toddler. So I smiled at the little girl. An “I know your mom’s here, but she’s busy for just another couple of minutes but I’m in line behind you and I would be very happy to smile at someone who’s sad whil I wait/she waits” kind of smile. The little girl looked at me suspiciously, lest I try to comfort her without a proper introduction, and inched over to the woman who was (now) obviously her mother, sidled up to her, and wrapped her arm around her mother’s legs. She continued to look at me suspiciously, but now with a little curiosity. She wasn’t crying anymore. A few seconds later, and her mother completed her transaction, and the two went past me, and there was much more curiosity in the little girls sharp look than suspicion. I think it’s so interesting that this little girl was asking for attention from her mother in a “negative” way, and not getting it, at least temporarily. The “threat” I posed for her catalized her initiative to take positive action, approaching her mom herself, and once she was right next to her mother, she no longer tried to effect the contact via crying. I did not comfort this little girl – no way Jose, she has very strong boundaries – but she ended up finding comfort because I related to her. I think she must have a very healthy attachment to her mother!
Maybe there is an “attachment cure” too!
Oh for sure there is, and all psychotherapy , or at least mine, is foundationally based on that principle, I like that you brought it up and perhaps later I will write a post about that. As you probably noticed the examples I gave, both child with parent, or a persons conversation with a good friend both emphasize a connection that is based on more than one meeting , that has trust , history and security and at least great caring ,if not love, as explicit or implicit aspects of the relationship.
And I will also say that many people have interactions with strangers that can be transformative even though brief but that is a different post too .
Yes, yes, and yes!
You refer to “a connection that is based on more than one meeting , that has trust , history and security and at least great caring ,if not love.”
I think that one reason that romantic relationships break down (or can be so powerful when they succeed) is that we crave a healthy attachment with our mate not just through our “history” with them, retroactively to the beginning of our own uhrhistory, whether we remember it or not.
You are a wise one indeed Rivkah, and again I agree with you and take it further to include other relationships. There is a growing body of evidence that supports this. Attachment styles that we develop in earliest relationship determine relationships in the future. The good news is we are constantly growing and changing and a successful therapeutic relationship can take a an “avoidant attachment” (one of the categories of attachment styles) and transition it to what is called in the literature an “earned secure attachment” style. Secure attachment is seen as the healthiest kind of attachment.
I want to stress as well that different attachment styles develop in a complex set of relationships and history, we know now that a few threats to healthy attachment are; a mismatch of temperaments with parent and baby, or separation’s of attachment figure and child for a period of time, traumas to parent and or child ,abuse, or neglect. These are risk factors but not not guarantees of poor outcomes. The more that we all know collectively and the more attuned we are the more we can support and mitigate these risk factors,and the healthier and more secure all children , and eventually adults, can be.
One of the most loving things a parent that senses a problem with their child can do is to seek out therapy for themselves. Often when we learn about our own attachment styles and work toward health, the more we can attune to our kids , and then much repair and healing can develop. This is one of the reasons why I love to work with parents.
*Attachment theory was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby
since then a huge body of research has been developed and one statistic I heard recently is that Attachment Theory is currently the most researched and written about topic in the field of Psychology /Clinical Social Work.